Me, · Myself · and · I

Well... I did something I'm not proud of, but instead of feeling bad or guilty... I surprisingly don't feel anything. Like it was just another thing on my list-o-shit to do. He didn't mind it either, hell, he even talked about her in my kitchen... (her=wife) like it was just another conversation. Wow. I should feel something, right? Maybe? Damn it! Hmm... I do not have romantic feelings for him but I did tell him he better not let that shit get weird with us. I mean, it's not akward for me but I know some people may have difficulty seeing someone after a one night stand thing. So... yeah... that's what's going through my head now...
I'm back on third shift for those that didn't know... couldn't deal with Dr. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde shit any longer. It was torture!! I felt like shooting myself in the face!! I had to be on my good behavior and y'all know how I am... If it's in my head, it's coming out of my mouth! It's gotten really bad here lately. I was told the other night (by someone I know that has a really 'bad attitude') that I was in really rare form and that he must be rubbing off on me. I'm just getting tired of bullshit and stupid people! Is that a bad thing!?
My mom calls me this morning... before 6 am and asks me 'If daddy werent able to make a decision about my health, would you?' um, what!? Daddy's the POA for her, she wants me to be the alternate. She then proceeded to tell me her final wishes and what she wants done. Then she says 'I want you to have grannys rings. I hope they bring you as many years of happiness as they did me and momma.' and the tears came... and so did a six pack... why? I had a good other kind of buzz going (see first rambling), why did you have to bring that up!? I know it's something that needs to be discussed, but not on the phone at 6 in the morning!! Oh, man!! What a day!! My dreams were messed up, too! Woke up with a head ache from hell!

Current Location:	Work
Current Mood:	amused
Current Music:	Bush - Machinehead

I've got the Presbyterian group and they refuse to let me have the weekend off!! It's my first three day weekend and I have to be here... Daily bill reviews at 9 in the morning and a final bill review on Monday at 2 in the afternoon... bummer!! I wouldn't mind working any other weekend, but this one.... damn! I had to cancel all my plans because of this... I had good times in mind at the river with friends, too!! Oh well.... it's all overtime!!! YAY!!!  

Current Location:	Work
Current Mood:	busy

Seeing as you asked... just found out that we live down the street from a murderer. Out on parole. Been home for the last month or so. 
My next door neighbor is paranoid skitzophrenic. Everyone is breaking into her house and taking her shit.
We have a crack house 2 houses down. They have very small kids there all the time. Lovely place to raise young'ns, I know! 
Our neighbors that are tired of this kind of living have formed ourselves a neighborhood watch. Sounds like good times waiting to happen, doesn't it!?

It's been so long since I've posted... I'm working days for a couple of weeks now. I'm learning how to do other areas and venues. Fun times. People are looking at me all funny and stuff, I don't like it. I feel down right awful. I hardly know anyone anymore and the people in the office are looking at me like I have a second head growing out of my shoulders. 
I hate working for a place that allows people to be thrown into positions they don't deserve because they know of a certain affair or are someone's bitch and will do whatever they tell them to do. I hate that I can't kiss ass as well as some people and get what I want. I have to WORK MY ASS OFF to get what I want!! Why can't you!? You damn CUNT! You're lazy! You're a manipulator! You're a user! (<-- and by that I don't mean drugs.) Why can't you get over yourself, you're not a god and when the time comes and if someone else'd job is in jeopardy, it's your ass... not theirs, they won't save you like you think they will! Whew!! I feel a little better. I believe that if you give a person enough rope, they'll hang themselves... I just wanna be there when it happens. Is that wrong of me?!

Hmm... haven't posted in a while and all aI do is bitch. Gotta get back to work now. There's a lot to learn on day shift! It blows my mind!!

Peace out, y'all!!

Current Location:	Work in the hole
Current Mood:	exhausted
Current Music:	Bob Marley

I know it's been a while for me on here. A lot has happened. I don't even know where to start... Let's start from my vacation. It started on Dec. 29. I had 10 days off and used 3 vacation days.. Damn I'm good! Anyway. Nothing happened, didn't go anywhere, do anything. Went to Amy's and got drunk. Big surprise, huh!? Came back to work as usual. I'm LOVING my new job, but not my new boss. She kinda sucks. The people down there have no sence of humor and only 2 on the day shift speak english. BUT, I'd rather have that than people belittling me, cursing me, spitting at me and so on....  I won tickets to the Sound and Speed deal in Nashille a week or so ago. (NASCAR and country music together--- can we all say REDNECK HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, I go with my uncle Jimmy and while in line for arm bands, we start talking to a couple of women in front and behind us (we're both Aquarians, it's in our nature) and the women in front of us are an absolute HOOT!! O-M-G!!! Pam and Teri ( Teri goes by Tink - as in Tinkerbell) Tink does the cheerleading/beauty pagent thing. She's gotten runner up in the Miss Alabama pagent and sponsors cheerleading in Huntsville. She's only 24, real sweet, BEAUTIFUL girl. I'm not gay or anything but this chick is absolutely gorgeous! Pam... Pam is 38, has a slight (obvious) obsession with Jimmy, has been with the company she works for now for 13 years. (They both work together) 'Spending government money' they say.. I say' thats the best kinda money to spend'. We spend the ENTIRE day together. I finally got to see Mr. Keith Anderson himself!! Whew!! I got my autograph of Troy and Eddie (Montgomery Gentry) Psst... Troy has little bitty legs!!! Anyway... We exchange numbers and e-mail addys and such and they go back to Huntsville. Pam calls me a couple of days later saying that her and Tink are coming back to Nashville and would like to hang out with me. I meet them Friday night at their hotel room and we go to eat at Applebee's in the Radisson. Then we go to the Nasvhille Palace. Their friend is playing. He's about to leave the band he's in now. He got a spot on the Nashville Star. Pam and Tink say that they're just gonna move up here during that time. Jared is a little hottie and he has a damn good voice. Real sweet guy, has the total hots for Tink... Obviously! I then had to go work. I woke them up the next morning when I got off work at 7 (they wanted me to.) and we went to breakfast and shopping at Opry Mills.  I'm making my plans now to go there for the weekend next weekend. Tink said I can stay in her spare room. They'd show me around to the spots in Huntsville. And when April 30 rolls around, Jamie's gonna be on vacation soaking up redneck sweat at TALLEDEGA!!! Now that I have peeps there that can show me the ropes of my first race and party with me. I can't wait!!! Mom's had a heart attack. Still waiting on how severe it was. She didn't even know she had one. Doctor said that they're different in women than they are in men. That's why they're the silent killer among women. The house is on complete lock down. No sugers, no salts, no fats, blah blah blah,. It's a good thing though. We all needed to cut back anyway! It just really sucks that it had to be this way.. Know!?

I love meeting new people!!

Erica, thanks for the nudge! :)

Gotta go Amy and Muskrat (Amy's brother) are comin over and we're getting drunkified together and I gotta ask Amy if she wants to go to Alabama this weekend!

Til then...

Current Mood:	anxious
Current Music:	Joe Dirt in the backgound

I start my new position on Friday. Clothes shopping was depressing as hell. Erica, I can so relate to your low-rise pants dilema. It's pitiful! And I don't have a perky ass! (Fat maybe...) It's the whole age depressing youth thing I guess. But oh well. I have a couple of nice ones picked out, but the hunt continues. I'm a little nervous about the position. Jim told me I would do fine because I'm a 'fast learner'. I just can't wait to get away from these annoying guests. I'll be in my own little 4x4 cubicle. In my own lil world.

I decided that I'm really gonna make a conscience effort to boycott the Starlight... O-M-G!!!

Gotta do a lil work now...

Til then...

I am _________.

So what if we can fill in the blank with tons of superficial words:

brunette
nice
funny
friendly

So what if we try to tell ourselves we can also finish it with:

kind
giving
loyal

Because, when it all boils down to it, I wonder how many of us secretly find other options:

sad
lonely
afraid
empty
hurt
angry

And more than anything else, I can't imagine how many of us walk around pretending we're nice, hoping we're kind, but are just trying to not feel so sad all the time.

*Can't remember where I saw this, but it made me think.*

I had my interview today with Kathy and a meeting with David (Kathy = Night Audit mgr., David = Finance mgr.) about the night audit position. Things sound promising, but I'm not jumping to any conclusions about certain things said in the meeting and interview. David told me that he wants to have a decision made by the end of this week, but the way this place works... I'm not holding my breath.

My mom said that I should look into a Fannie May (?) thing to maybe buy a house instead of renting. I though about it the entire way in to work tonight (through tears I might add... next paragraph). It sounds interesting and all, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Hell, I can't keep myself from going back to momma and daddy's for more than a year. It sucks!!

So, I'm driving into work tonight. Looking fabulous in my flannel pj's if-I-do-say-so-myself!!! Make-up is PERFECT!! Actually did a good job on it. Some of y'all will have no clue what songs I'm talking about (tough luck.. look 'em up sometime).  I hear 'Daddys Hands', 'Live Like You Were Dying', 'When I Get Where Im Going' (BEAUTIFUL SONG!!!!), 'Who Youd Be Today' and many other songs that had me in TEARS!!! Make-up looked like pooh when I got to the parking lot. Tried my best to make myself look presentable. It was almost like...someone was trying to tell me something. I dunno. I feel really crazy sometimes. Like nobody knows what I'm trying to say. I'm speaking, words are coming out, but no one really hears me. Oh well. Guess I'm doomed to be a tortured soul, huh!?

Current Mood:	okay
Current Music:	nothing.. it's driving me CRAZY!!!

You know who you are!

I don't know if you still get your kicks by reading this or not, but I thought I'd let you know (since you never keep in touch with us anymore) that I have decided to go ahead and check SAE out! I will be going to tour them soon. I keep getting their e-mails and said 'Damn it, man. Just do it. Enough pussy-footin around about it!'. Me and Kota (you don't know her...) will be going. Well, that's the plan anyway. I know I am regardless. I have a very nice business plan already worked out. I know I must putt around doing what I can to get 'recognition' or a 'clientel list', but I'm so pshyced about it. It's now or never, man! 

Call us sometime, man! Let us know you're still alive! *hugs, man*

I eat to shield myself

From the hurt I feel inside

I laugh to throw others off

When I want to run and hide

I pretend I don't feel

Others cold harsh stares

Release this pain

Take it away

That's my only prayer.

I've posted to the night audit position. Still waiting to hear something about it. I presentes Tim with the form, and he tried to tell me that I wouldn't be allowed to take 'as many breaks' and he also asked me if I really wanted to be stuck in a cubile all night. YES! Get me away from these bitchy people! I've been here for a little over 2 years now doing the same thing I was when I started. I'm tired! Burnt out! If I don't get the position, the I'll turn up the heat on my job hunting process. If I do get it, I'll look for an apartment closer to here. By 'closer to here' I mean Ashland City. No closer than that. They have a new apartment complex that has one bedrooms for around $435. I haven't started looking at them seriously until I know what I want to do. If I don't get the job, I'll look more in the Dickson area for job and housing and vice versa (if that made any sense).

Aja's boyfriend found her LiveJournal. Fun times there. He's HOT!! (HOT = PISSED) It apparently had a bunch of stuff about him in there. I know I have thought a lot of things about her, but it saddens me when I see a couple go through hard shit. She needed some sort of seperation from him and that was her journal. I feel sorry for her.

I went to my best friends daughters (my 'sister'and 'niece')1st birhtday party last night. She's growing so fast! The last time I actually SAW her was when she was 3 months old, now she's walking, talking (sort of) and dancing to 'Baby Got Back'! She's a bit little to be 12 months. I came to realize what's been bothering me for some time now and it couldn't have been any worse timing! I realized, watching Amanda and Keith, that I'm terribly lonely. I'm not saying that I want a husband and a house full of kids, HELL NO!! I just want to take some pills and make this sadness go away! I think that's my underlying problem. Loneliness. Amanda and Amy (my two best friends in the world. See updated userinfo for cast info) were talking about how their men piss them off. I'm liking the fact that I don't need a man to buy me things and such, but I felt SO left out of the conversation. Amanda finally caught on to that and she changed the subject but that didn't make me feel any better. Aja read my tarot and it pretty much told me that the next year will be even shittier than this year and I should shoot myself now. kidding. It basically told me to re-prioritize or re-assess the situation. Re-think my goals and such. But anyway, back to the birthday party. I got Ashton a Pooh hoodie outfit and a Dora bath doll (I lucked on that! She loves to take a bath and she loves Dora!) and Amanda said she needs winter clothes. I've got a pic of me and Ashton on my phone, I just haven't uploaded it yet. Get to it later. 

Bronson is a sneaky son of a bitch! Momma always keeps her purse by her side of the bed, closed. She woke up the other morning and it was in the living room, open. Dad says he didn't do it. I didn't do it, Momma took it with her to bed. Bronson said that he was looking for the house key to get a copy made. WHY GO THROUGH SOMEONE'S BELONGINGS!!!!!???? 

Til then...